Top Ten Quality-of-Chaos Cities in the USA

by Professor Chaos

I know a lot of you are probably wondering if you live in the right area. Sure, your trash is picked up on time, and your local Blockbuster usually has the movies you want to rent. Sounds pretty boring to me! You should consider relocating to one of these exciting cities, with action and chaos aplenty.

10. Washington, DC
The Nation's capital is swimming in chaos. First of all, unless you live in the small and relatively safe quadrant of Northwest DC, you're probably in the hood. This is good news if you're looking for illegal/prescription drugs, but bad news if you want to walk home un-mugged. And even if you're rich enough to live in Northwest, you still have to watch out for terrorist attacks. Sometimes random streets are shut down because Bush feels like a drive. Earlier this year, some kid form American University drunkenly fell in the tidal basin and drowned. So DC has a lot going for it. It would have charted higher, but since it's the capital it's pretty well-policed.

9. Seattle, WA
Originally, I had selected Flint, MI to be my #9. But nobody wants to hear a bunch of whining about unemployed auto-workers. Then, I changed it to Maui, because of the volcanos. Well, after talking with some fellow masters of chaos, I've discovered an even more deadly place to live! Pack your bags folks, we're moving to Seattle! Take a look at the awesomeness that is Mt. Rainier. They say this thing's going to blow within the next fifty years or so, and it'll probably take Seattle with it! So if you're under 30, and you move there now, you'll have a front row seat for chaos. In the meantime, you can watch all the grunge rockers overdose on heroin, or plummet to their death from a stage dive gone awry.

8. Richmond, VA
Richmond gets points for being the "Murder capital of the country". And you want to talk about chaos? How about the civil war? Richmond was the capital of the south and seems to be having a tough time letting go of in point, the big hoo-hah over the Arthur Ashe statue. This is on a street that is loaded with statues of Confederate Generals, and nobody seems to have a problem with these guys, arguably the first American terrorists. But a black guy who can play tennis?! Hell no! It's funny...from this perspective it looks like he's about to beat those poor kids with books. Look at the kids, raising their hands, as if to say, "Please, spare us, Mr. Ashe!" I hear phone books don't leave bruises... One more thing, I'm told Gwar is from Richmond. 'Nuff said.

Update! Man, Richmond just gives and gives! I can't believe I forgot to mention Hurricane Isabel. My man Tequila lost power for over two weeks! And now, we have this latest one. This damn thing flooded the downtown and killed all these people. Cockley had a waterfall in his god damned apartment! I tell ya, with another happening like this, Richmond is going to move up in the rankings.

7. New Orleans, LA
New Orleans is fun for about a day or two, then you're ready to leave. You can drink outside, in the streets. This leads to lots of drunken lunacy, and thus chaos. The tourists are pissing and puking in the street. The cops are real violent. And the mighty Mississip is right there, so there's always a chance for a nice flood.

6. Compton, CA
Hey, like any white kid from the suburbs, I love N.W.A. The vivid pictures they paint of life in the 'hood make it sound bad ass. Imagine winning a game of craps...or having Kilo G steal your Alpine. We've all seen enough of the 'hood movies from the late 80's/early 90's to know that Compton cannot be fucked with when it comes to quality chaos. Take Colors or Boyz in tha Hood or Menace 2 Society, what have you. Chaos always wins out, and the main characters usually die!

5. Miami, FL
Ah, Miami. It's not just nude hardbodies on South Beach and catchy Will Smith songs. Thankfully, there's chaos in this city. First of all, there's the hurricanes. Florida gets hit hard every year and you can't beat a hurricane for raw destructive power. Secondly, there's a chance you could go swimming in the ocean and get bitten by a shark. Of course, there are also gangs aplenty and lots of cuban immagrants. Check out Scarface.

4. Atlanta, GA
The LA of the South. A big, sprawling, slab of asphalt. A shining tribute to man's conquest over nature. I'm told there are lots of roving gangs and stuff there. Olympic Park seems to be chaos ground zero, that's the site of the pipe bomb explosion from the 1996 Olympic games. I'm told it's a pretty shitty area at night, so be sure to check it out on your next trip. And who could forget that Atlanta is home to the first couple of chaos, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. Their cracked-up exploits and spousal abuse always keep us in stitches. Since it's the South, they hate Northerners and long for the good ol' days on the Plantations. Shoot dang! Atlanta sure sucks!

3. Kennebunkport, ME
You might think I've lost my mind, but don't be fooled by the small-town facade of Kennebunkport. First of all, you've got the snow. Talk about chaos. When it snows for three days straight, you're screwed! Also, the Bush family has a vacation home in Kennebunkport, so that's bound to bring out some freaks...that very home is where Dubya fell off his Segway Scooter. Steven King is from Maine too, and according to his books, all types of crazy shit happens in Maine, like Cujo or IT. I'm just saying, Maine isn't as safe as you might think.

2. San Francisco, CA
Roving, ranting hippies. Horrible smog. And the potential to wipe out the whole west coast with one killer earthquake! Friends, when it comes to chaos, San Fran is in the big leagues. In terms of natural disasters, you'd be hard pressed to think of anything cooler than an earthquake. The way it makes asphalt ripple and shit fall off the walls. Earthquakes are so powerful, they prophesize that the "big one" will cause the state of California to fall into the ocean! MOC will have team coverage for that one.

1. New York, NY
Start spreadin' the news! When it comes to chaos, New York wants to be a part of it. This town's got it all, folks. Crime? Check. Gangs? Check. Widespread blackouts? Check. The 'hood? Oh, checkity-check. When someone wants to make a statement with chaos, the big apple's the town in which to do it. Even the masterminds behind The Day After Tomorrow showed New York the props it deserved: they flooded the city and then froze it! Take that, Scottsdale!

back to home