Top Ten Chaos Teases

by Professor Chaos

Over the years, we've been conditioned by the media to expect the very worst. But sometimes, it just doesn't work out like they promised. If you've ever been dissapointed because a disaster didn't pan out, this is for you. The Masters of Chaos Top Ten Chaos Teases!

10. The Greenhouse Effect
In the 80's, the next big thing in chaos was the Greenhouse Effect. The emissions from our vehicles were releasing CFCs which were apparently bad for the ozone layer, which prevents UV rays from reaching the earth. Without the ozone layer, we were supposedly screwed. But even after we kept making cars bigger and more innefficient, nothing! Where, I ask you, is the Greenhouse Effect? It never happened. What a tease.

9. The Boy Who Cried Wolf
This little shit kept telling us there was a wolf after him. "Sweet!" we replied. But everytime we went to see the wolf eat him, nothing was there. The punk lied to us. This fable supposedly taught us not to lie about chaos, which is actually a pretty good lesson. Lying about chaos, when in fact there is no chaos there, is a cruel tease. For a good example of this, check out the chaos junkies at See? No chaos there. Don't you want to smash their faces now?

8. Iraq's WMDs
I'm not here to Bush bash. The man has brought more chaos to our country than any President in living memory. But when he lied about Weapons of Mass Destruction, he crossed the line. Look, who cares why we went to war, the point is we're at war and war is fucking sweet. But to tantalize us with images of WMDs when there aren't any is just a cruel hoax. And I should add, I get little consolation from the fact that he tortured his people. Look at this painting. Does he look very chaotic to you? Didn't think so.

This one really pisses me off. A couple years ago, SARS was all the rage. The Chinese eat all types of fucked up animals and somebody caught a wierd disease called SARS and spread it all over the region. They were saying it was going to spread over the globe within weeks. People died! Before you knew it, intelligent people were wearing these little masks even made it to a few second-world countries such as Canada. Then all these wanna-be SARS like Bird Flu and Mad Cow popped up. Then, the US went to war and the media forgot about SARS. And nobody has given a shit since. What a waste of my paranoia.

6. Killer Bees
You know how you hate bees? Well wait till you see the Killer Bees! They gonna get ya! Um, no they're not. Back in the 80's, updates on the location of the killer bees were almost as common as a weather report. "They're in South America". "They're moving up into Central America". "They're in Mexico". Then, nothing. At some point, they became "Africanized Bees". But at no point were they chaotic. Killer Bees were among my first tastes of chaos. I was fascinated by them. In the end, although this guy is clearly hating life, the Killer Bees were a big fat chaos tease.

5. Fire Drills
Back in school, and even today at your workplace, the fire drill is fairly common. But when's the last time something actually caught fire?? Exactly. Fire drills are a joke. The kids in this picture are obviously the victims of another fire drill letdown. Imagine sitting in a cubicle, hearing a fire drill, and walking out just in time to turn around and watch your building crumble into ashes. Assuming you didn't leave your wallet in there, that would be fucking sweet.

4. California Falls Into the Ocean
Here's another one that's been promised for so long, it doesn't even have meaning anymore. Supposedly, one day, California will fall in the ocean. I'm not sure if it would be an island, or if it would just sink into the water. And speaking of California, where, exactly, is this "Big One" earthquake? California is full of empty unfulfilled chaos promises. But if California does in fact fall into the ocean, all the work on this site will have been worth it, beacause that would be awesome. Most importantly, the hippies would be wiped out in one fell swoop.

3. The Apocolypse
Religious folks swear this will happen any day now. Apparently there will be some fucked up plagues of locusts and stuff, and an anti-christ. Then there will be a bunch of war. In the end, the world as we know it will be finished! Sounds pretty sweet, right? Of course it does. But it'll never happen. Stuff like that never happens. It's kind of like wanting a bag of money to fall from the sky. Still, I'm a glutton for punishment. So I'll keep waiting for that anti-christ.

2. The Cold War
Sorry, I thought for "War" you actually needed some battles and stuff. This is the lamest war ever! And it was waged by two of the biggest bad asses in modern history, the USA and the USSR! To think these these two countries were such pussies in the end is appalling. Think of the potential...this could have been it, folks! They teased us too...Duck and cover, the Cuban Missle Crisis, the Afghan War..but it never panned out. The War was left to be fought by movies from the 80's like War Games, Red Dawn, and Rocky 4. The Cold War is kind of like when a prostitute fondles your balls and then leaves for a crack fix. Strangely unfulfilling.

1. Y2K
Need I say more? Man, in the late 90's, you'd have thought we were about to revert back to a time when coal and steam powered our factories. All the computers were going to think it was 1900...your bank accounts would be erased. Planes and trains would collide into one another. Even your car wouldn't start. Life as we know it would begin to resemble something out of Planet of the Apes. We'd probably have to forage for our own food. Oh wait, nothing happened. Nevermind.

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