A Tribute to Riots

by Professor Chaos

Civil unrest is getting a lot of attention this week, and in honor of the Republican National Convention, we here at Masters of Chaos have decided it's high time to pay tribute to that most holy right of free Americans, rioting in the streets! I believe it was notorious hippy David Thoreau who proclaimed civil disobedience a neccessity. And he was right. Let's burn this bitch to the ground!

Throughout the years we've seen lots of riots in America. It's the best country to riot in because they won't neccessarily kill you point blank (Travel Alert: never riot in China). Of course the Who concert in Cincinnati comes to mind, where all those people were trampled to death. Sometimes, just having your home team win a championship is enough reason to riot and loot. A lot of the time people are pissed off over some injustice, like say the LAPD cops getting off even though they blatantly beat the living shit out of Rodney King. The residents of LA decided the best solution was to loot the shit out of their city in protest. Some of you might remember the beating of Reginald Denny. This in my opinion should never have occurred. Whoever beat him forgot that their primary goal was looting, not flogging your fellow man. Don't get sidetracked, people!

Like a lot of you, I was really excited to riot as soon as midnight struck on Y2K. I figured once we lost power and the computers thought it was 1900 (and thus crashed in a failed string of logic since they weren't invented until the 80's) the looting would be plentiful. If we all just worked together, there would be free TV sets, speakers, breadmakers, and closet organizers for all. I was at a concert with a friend of mine. We had our ski caps at the ready. As soon as midnight struck, we fought our way through the revelers and out into the street, which we hoped would contain mass chaos (maybe even rivers of blood). I grabbed the first trash can I could find, and was about to heave it through a plate glass window when I glanced around and noticed nothing was happening! What the fuck? No looting? Yes my friends, it was a chaos tease. No riots for us.

Another reason to riot is to uprise against The Man. If you're wondering who The Man is, he's probably any white guy wearing a suit with an American flag pinned onto it. This week, the Republicans are meeting in that hot-bed of conservatism (and chaos) known as New York City. Next to Boston, there is no city more right-wing than the Big Apple. While the Republicans were busy trying to tie their convention in with 9/11, they forgot the fact that NYC is festering with uppity liberals and built for riots: Lots of efficient public transportation to move the protestors about, long wide streets to run amuck in, and lots and lots of bars...with luck, the protests are going to make the rioting at the 1968 Democratic convention in Chicago look like Smurf porn.

And no, I'm not talking about "demonstrations" or even "protests". I'm talking full-on riots! In terms of man-made chaos, a riot is a way even the smallest, dumbest imbecile can get in on the action. You don't even need the skills to make a simple cherry bomb. All you need is to be smart enough to join in the fun.

In summary, protests rarely make the news. A riot is a top story and gives lots of free publicity to your cause! If you want a spot on the nightly news, take the sign off that picket and run through the streets wielding it like John Kerry after a small defenseless child in Vietnam.

Now here are some more pictures of riots, with humorous captions:


Tonight on FOX: When parallel parking goes horribly wrong



These folks have forgotten to loot. I can't stress the importance of this, people. Violence has its place, but when rioting, your primary goals should be destruction and free shit. Leave the cops alone, or you might get arrested and miss out on more free shit.



A bunch of World Bank protestors receive a much-needed bath.



Always wear steel toe boots to the riot. When you kick a metal shield with tennis shoes on, that's going to hurt. You might need to run away, and a broken toe will hinder that effort.



A recipe for a riot.


back to home