MOC Cashes in on that stinkbomb of a “movie” known as “War of the Worlds”

by Professor Chaos

What a letdown! “War of the Worlds” was supposed to be THE disaster flick of the summer. It was supposed to make “The Day After Tomorrow” look like “Terms of Endearment”. Me and Cockley went to this movie on opening night. I was very excited, and ready to love it. Man was I dissapointed. That movie was a steaming pile of Speilbergian shit. Nothing cool happened, there was limited destruction shown, and it had kids through the whole thing. Nothing brings a disaster flick down quicker than kids. In all fairness, Cockley liked it, but he's the only person I've met so far who did.

Anyway, did I mention it sucked?

So a friend of mine recently hooked me with scans of the original “Mars Attacks” cards from the 50's or whenever the hell. They were actually much cooler than “War of the Worlds”. So I thought I'd show them to ya here, to remind everyone of how cool a Martian attack could actually be. And when appropriate, add my tradmarked witty remarks™.

They're exactly like they were in Tim Burton's movie. Which, by the way, was one of his last good movies.

It's pretty cool how the army dudes are on fire. They probably wouldn't do that today. Today the Martians would probably be attacking a terrorist training camp or some shit.

Whoa...these Martian's aren't fucking around! That's restricted airspace!

The Martians are clearly disgusted by all the latent homosexuality in the Navy. Don't ask, don't tell, just die. That's the Martian way.

I guess back in the 50's there was only one bridge.

This is fucking awesome! I guess the “Human Torch” wasn't copyrighted by Marvel when they made these cards. But look at that dude! He's hating it! Also note his dead comrades in the background. They just don't make cards like they used to. I wonder how many kids threw up their gum after seeing all this death.

Wow. I wish the Burton movie was more like this. That'd be a hell of a ride.

“Uh, NOW we destroy the city? What the fuck have we been doing for the last 10 cards??”

Yeah that oxygen should definitely help you survive the fall from mid-air and all the fire, dude.

Definitely one of my favorites because it shows the Maritian homelife. They like to kick back just like we do. But they had big-screen TVs way before we did. They appear to be drinking wine. All things considered, life on Mars seems pretty hospitiable, especially compared to the rampant destruction occurring on earth. Which begs the question: If they're so peaceful at home, where do their war-mongering tendancies come from?

Godzilla, save us!

Is it me, or is that a monkey in a suit falling through the hole?

Something tells me that's not a good idea...

Told ya.

So hardcore.

Introducing the Barbeque ray...

...the popsicle ray...

..and the Tom Cruise ray.

Badass! It's like “The Day After Tomorrow” meets “Independance Day”! Eat your heart out, Roland Emmerich.

Oh come on, now it's like the Martians are just running out of ideas.

Take that, homeless scum!

No wonder we lost. These soldiers have guns, and all they do is use their bayonettes.

After a while, you run out of places to pile the bodies. Just ask Saddam Hussein.

Now that's about the only time a kid is appropriate in a disaster flick. Mourning the death of his dog who got in the way.

Holy shit! Martian bugs are HUGE! I wonder how they transported them all here.

I know what you're thinking, but Danny Devito wasn't born yet.

Good luck with that.

Sorry, we have to call off the launch. Loose tile.

Why are we so much more successful on their planet, and they on ours? This makes no sense at all.

Our precious snowglobe, gone! All gone!

You fuck with us, we'll blow up your whole fucking planet.

Peace? After 55 cards of rampant destruction? Nice try.

I'm not sure what those kids are doing, but the dog seems relieved to see the Martians, and we all know what Martians do to dogs. (See card 36).

Ah, the bitter irony!

That's what you get for flying with a fly-by-night airline.

My personal favorite. Also note, another dead dog.

And then all of a sudden, we win. That made a lot of sense.

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