Ten Great Moments in Chaos

by Professor Chaos

Chaos and planet Earth go together like Hugo Cockley and an underage girl. Since it's inception, Earth has been deluged by chaotic happenings. It's a shame we all live now, and not thousands of years ago, when chaos was more widespread. But we at MOC have not forgotten the good times. As proof that one day we will be led to a glorious new age of chaos, we offer as evidence the following ten items which actually happened! So here you go, ten great moments in chaos in no particular order:

1. Death to the Dinosaurs
No one can say w/ certainty exactly how the dinosaurs become extinct, but all of the reasons are delicously chaotic. First, you've got the option that a commet hit the earth and caused a huge dust cloud which blocked out the sun and killed them. Then you've got the ice age theory, where they froze, their food died, etc. Maybe aliens probed them anally, and the dinosaurs were so embarrassed they died, I don't know. However it happened, they surely went out with a chaotic bang. We humans can only hope to die out in such a cool way.

2. Atlantis
Unlike Chicago, the city of Atlantis was completely lost to chaos! What happened to it? Did it blow up, sink in the ocean, harbor al Queda, or what? One popular theory is that the Altantians developed gills and decided to just stay underwater. But I'm not too sure about that, it seems like they'd just drown before they evolved into mer-people. Is Atlantis just Atlanta with a new name? So many questions. We may never know the answer, but it doesn't stop us from thinking about how cool a lost city is. With luck, we may one day refer to the Lost City of LA.

3. Robots Take Over the World
I know, it hasn't happened yet, but why should I wait, I mean the writing's on the wall. Probably by the end of our lifetimes, robots will have taken over. Here's how it happened.

With a spare billion he found under his couch cushion, Bill Gates built a robot in his likeness. But while it had all of Gate's brains and ingenuity, it was also cold and calculating. After George F. Bush sent us to war with France, Robo-Gates decided that humanity was stuck in a cycle of violence and needed to be saved from itself. So he built himself three servants, who in turn built three more, etc. This army of Robo-Gateses stormed Washington DC while our troops were abroad, unable to defend us. Oh yeah, they blew up lots of stuff too.

4. Jesus Gets Made
JC is an MOC Hall of Famer. So much bloodshed has been spilled in his name it's silly. But if not for his crucifiction, Christianity as we know it today would not have existed. And we wouldn't have all these zealots, fanatics, and presidents going around the world bullying folks of other religions. Jesus and Mohammad are the original Masters of Chaos. They died thousands of years ago but people are still killing in theirs names to this day. Props.

5. Pompeii
Every day we hope for a big-ass volcanic eruption but it never happens. Why did all the cool shit happen before I was born? Anyway, the people of Pompeii were likely accustomed to chaos, being Romans, but nothing could have prepared them for this! Mount Vesuvius basically killed everyone in this town. It spilled a shit-ton of ash into the air and even more lava on the ground. Look at the mountain now! The eruption blew the top right off it. To preserve their memory, a Pink Floyd laser show is performed here nightly.

6. The Chicago Fire
Supposedly, a cow kicked over a bucket or something, and then there was a fire. It's pretty cool to imagine a fire burning down an entire city, though, isn't it? I doubt it could happen today since most downtown cities aren't made out of wood anymore, but I'm pretty certain that a high-powered laser, shot from a satellite in space, could do some decent damage.

7. Continental Drift
Imagine a time when the continents just floated around the earth like so many Frosted Flakes in a bowl. You'd have an island, like India, float up into Asia and create the Himalayas. Some continents got the "brown M&M" of locations, like Antarctica. Some islands strutted in a cocky fashion over to the west and boldly became what we today call the US of A. Other cowardly islands floated together to protect one another and formed Europe. Unfortunately, another island slammed into the top of our glorious nation and formed Canada. You take the good with the bad.

8. The Roman Empire
Coming in strong are the Romans, the first humans to take chaos to a global scale. They were the first to teach us that whoever conquers the most, wins. They brought war to a new level! They turned torture into a spectator sport, and would draw tens of thousands to see some slave get shredded by a lion. The Roman Senate is what the U.S. Senate is based on, the same U.S. Senate that authorized Bush to go to war. Another point for the Romans!

These days, Rome is a popular destination for groups of college kids to visit in order to learn about ancient cultures and have sex with eachother. I'm sure one of the girls in this picture will get an STD from some swarthy Roman dude. Chaos? No, just funny.

9. Columbus Comes to India (or close enough)
There goes the neighborhood! Somewhere, sometime, a native american first saw a big-ass canoe with sails coming right for his peaceful tribe and thought "oh shit". And sure enough, the Europeans wiped the Indians out in no time. There were the plagues. There were also firearms, which are tough to defend against with arrows. Basically the white man wiped out an entire nation of people in the grandest experiment in genocide ever recorded. But don't feel bad for the Injuns. They ended up with glorious casinos and love our firewater. They even have a football team named in their honor, the Redskins!

10. The DC Sniper Shootings
You know that movie, the Perfect Storm? Well, this was a perfect storm...of chaos! Even though the entire DC region was kept hostage, nobody was in great danger. The odds of getting shot were nil, but everyone was able to share in the panic and fear together! So you get the rush without the danger! Bushmaster Rifle? $100. Watching yuppies zig-zag across the parking lot from their Hummer to Starbucks? Priceless.

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