The Gospel According to Hugo Cockley

September 14, 2004

They Hate Our Freedom!

I’ve spent the last few days focusing all my efforts on one question: why do terrorists hate us? Sure, GW – in all his vast wisdom (pictured right on 9/11/04, aka "Patriot Day") – has said they hate us for our freedom, that they’re essentially freedom haters; but when he speaks, the shit coming out of his mouth might as well be vomit, he’s so stupid. Given the last hundred plus years of middle eastern history, I really don’t think middle eastern terrorists have any concept of what freedom is, so I doubt they hate it. Occupied by the pussies of Europe, embarrassed by a couple thousand Jews, invaded by Russians, and incessantly preached to by Americans about the benefits of freedom while our government supports dictators that have massacred, locked up, and tortured any person that might have had a single, momentary thought of the simplest of freedoms, like the right to watch TV, I’m not quite sure where terrorists would have tasted freedom and decided it sucked enough to kill themselves and as many “freedom lovers” as they can find.

So I probed deeper, and found another school of thought. People like Pat Buchanan seem to think terrorists hate us because of our policy of supporting Israel. But that makes absolutely no sense. I mean, everyone knows that God bequeathed the land of Israel to the Jews, and no one, Muslims especially, wants to fuck with God. At least the Old Testament says God gave Israel to the Jews; and even though two thousand years of fact and science pretty much seem to point to 99.9999.% of the book to be bullshit, we all know that it’s better to trust, not just a book, but the interpretation of said book by a bunch of dudes who may or may not be gay, who probably like little boys, and who got their education from the all-knowing geniuses at seminary school. And even if the Israelis bulldoze homes, arrest teenagers, and put an entire people under constant lockdown, how could anybody, even terrorists, ever hate them, given the Holocaust? If a Jewish guy wanted to, not only take my house, but then pee on me and put me in jail without ever letting me know what I even did, I would gladly surrender. So the fact that America sells Israel all the weapons that oppress millions of Muslims definitely doesn’t bother terrorists.

So what is it then? I really had no idea until last week, when Russia had it’s own spate of terrorist attacks. Who could hate the Russians? Those poor souls fell for communism. People feel sorry for them; they’re like the retarded kid brother of most countries. And if terrorists hate freedom so much, I’m not sure what they were doing in Russia, because nobody in Russia has been free for… well, forever, I guess, unless you count being drunk off one’s ass on Vodka as being free. A few things I’ve read like to point to Russia’s occupation of Muslim Chechnya and unsuccessful invasion of Afghanistan, but as the American occupation of Iraq has proven, Muslims love being invaded and occupied. Flowers are thrown at the occupier/invader’s feet.

But then it came to me: America and Russia share one important thing: they both teased the world with the so-called Cold War! For 50 years, America and Russia promised us (us meaning the world) a fucking war, most probably nuclear, and never delivered. Children hid under school desks, retarded people were fed radioactive cereal – all kinds of cool, promising shit went down in anticipation of the war, but… NOTHING HAPPENED. As a chaos lover, I look at this as the mother of all chaos teases, and if I were the violent, sociopathic type, I could definitely see myself blowing up a school full of children to express my displeasure. I know, it’s a stretch; but you’ve got to admit, it makes more sense than terrorists being freedom haters….

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