The Gospel According to Hugo Cockley

August 30, 2004

Bombs or Freaks? One man grapples with the tough questions

On or about August 29th something very interesting happened, something I am still not sure whether to condemn or file away in my brain under Cool Chaos Happenings: a laboratory for stem cell research was pipe bombed. Normally, I would be pretty ecstatic over any news of a pipe bombing; I mean usually a pipe bomb entails 1 of 2 things: 1) a kid has just read the anarchist cookbook or some other bomb-making book and has begun his fulfillment of some inherent potential to create some chaos or 2) some religious nut has decided to go bomb an abortion clinic (I should note here that I am a fan of abortion, but also am a fan of religious nuts who take it upon themselves to impose their extreme religious views on people who donít share their views and may not even believe in God); and God knows, Iím always amused to the point of hilarity whenever anyone tries to stop progress and either denies or attempts to destroy any scientific achievement that might fuck with their world view.

But then I considered the potential of stem cell research to really wreak havoc on this Earth and therefore provide me with endless hours of entertainment. I mean, forget the fact that most stem cells come from aborted fetuses, which is pretty cool in and of itself. Just the other day I posted a message on our message board regarding the latest stem cell achievement. (for those of you too lazy to check out the message board, it basically told the true story of some German doctors using stem cells to grow a jaw on a manís back, which was then used to replace the jaw he had lost to cancer). And holy shit, can you imagine the crap someone could do with such technology, the army of freaks a mad scientist could create Ė penises on foreheads; people with 7 arms; women with 10 breasts; giants; microscopic people; etc, etc.

Oh, I know, it sounds like wishful thinking, and maybe it is. Maybe Iím retarded for daring to think that some crazy genius might want to create a bunch of mutants just because he can. But at the very least, I beg you to consider the possibility that fucking with the building blocks of life (i.e. stem cells) could have some unforeseen consequences, consequences that we here at MOC wholeheartedly support and dream of. What if, for example, a country were to create an army of super-soldiers, a la Universal Soldier and uses them to take over the entire world? The possibilities are limitless, really.

Based on these visions of utopia, I, of course, immediately condemned the attack on stem cell research laboratories. But then I began to consider another horrific possibility: that stem cell research will become a force for good. Already itís given one man his jaw back, thus depriving the world of a freak and making cancer a little less terrifying. In a few years it might rid the world of numerous diseases and epidemics, making the world a safer and more boring place.

If thatís the world I have to look forward to, then Iím all for the pipe bomber. Honestly, I really donít know what the future holds for us, and, I hate to admit it, Iím confused. But since Iím coming to the end of this op-ed piece, I really feel the need to reach a conclusion so that you, my reader, will come away knowing how to think and wonít re-enter the world empty handed. For this stubborn conclusion, Iíve decided to turn to Laura Bush (pictured right getting lathered-up by French pussy Jaques Chirac) since sheís a former librarian, and librarians, everyone knows, are surrounded by books and, through osmosis (I guess), are the most well informed people on the planet, totally qualified to invent expert opinion on any subject. She recently argued that itís not definite stem cell research will lead to any of the cures promised by doctors and should therefore be banned since stem cells come from fetuses.

I like the part about itís not definite stem cell research will lead to any cures, as well as the fact that stem cells come from fetuses, so, in conclusion, Iíve decided that stem cell research is a great thing and that pipe bombing stem cell research laboratories is bad. Thanks for listeningÖ.

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