A Tribute to Freaks of Nature

Filed by Professor Chaos

Sometimes in the absence of chaos, man creates chaos. Let me put this another way: go to any boring place on earth, and I bet there will be a local legend there of some mythical freak. Some bizarre monster waiting in the woods or the lake to kill you. I'm sure your local area has one. Here in Northern VA, we have the Bunny Man. Every region has one. However, some freaks have excelled so much, or actually exist, enough to warrant attention on the national stage! Here they are, neatly compiled for you chaos-hungry freak lovers out there. I've also rated them on three factors: Deadliness, Freakishness, and Evidence of Existance. Whichever freak scores the highest will become the official mascot of Masters of Chaos!


The Jersey Devil
Those poor people in southern Jersey were so bored they had to create this freak to haunt their woods. I don't know much about it, except it was noteworthy enough to lend its name as the mascot of the NHL hockey team the New Jersey Devils. Hockey used to be pretty chaotic, but now nobody gives a shit about it and it sucks. Plus they outlawed all the cool shit, like fighting. Once, when I was a kid, I was ice skating. I took my skate and repeatedly bashed it into the ice until I made a nice little hole in the ice. Then I watched people skate over the hole and fall down. That was pretty funny.

Deadliness: 5
I think the air in Jersey is more deadly than this thing.

Freakishness: 7
He gets extra points for being an actual Devil. And this pic makes him look pretty damn cool.

Evidence: 2
Are there even woods in New Jersey?


The Yeti (aka The Abominable Snowman)
The Yeti is basically Bigfoot's arctic cousin. Imagine a Grizzly Bear and a Polar Bear. It's the same relationship. Like Bigfoot, the Yeti is about as tall as Shaq, and he's hairy like Chewbacca. In fact, maybe Chewie was related to Bigfoot and the Yeti. Anyway, the Yeti is tall and hairy, but the main difference is that he likes to chill in the Arctic. He's white so as to blend in with the snow. But as global warming continues, his habitat is shrinking, so if he does exist, he'll be gone before too long unfortunately. Yeti's favorite pastimes include terrorizing Eskimos, as if they don't already have enough shit to deal with.

Deadliness: 7.2
He would have rated higher if he lived someplace where he could actually kill a decent amount of people.

Freakishness: 8
This ain't Hoth, so seeing one of these things would freak you out, big time.

Evidence: 3
We don't see many grainy photos of the Yeti. I'm not buying it.


The Boogie Man
Also known as the monster hiding in the closet. The Boogie Man plays to that most primal of fears because he could literally be anywhere. Unlike, say, the Yeti, who you needn't fear unless you're snowboarding. Some say he's the devil. But whoever he is, he really lost his edge after K.C. and the Sunshine Band's "I'm Your Boogie Man". Am I really supposed to be scared of a monster who just wants to dance?

Deadliness: 6
Nobody ever told me what he'd do if he got me, so I'm not really that afraid of him.

Freakishness: 7
I think it's safe to assume he's pretty freaky.

Evidence: 4
Even in the face of no evidence, his legend is endearing. There must be something to it...


The Loch Ness Monster
Talk about boring. Loch Ness is in the armpit of Ireland or Scotland or whatever. The townsfolk were so bored and drunk that they started to see things in the water. And the Loch Ness Monster was born. We've all seen this shot of the Monster hanging out in the water. It looks kind of like a Brontosaurus. I think it has flippers or something. I've never heard of anybody getting killed or injured by it. In fact I've seen specials where French people are trolling around the lake shooting radar into the water to find it. They didn't look very scared to me.

Deadliness: 2
Since the French aren't afraid of it, why should we be?

Freakishness: 8
If it was really big, and we saw it out of water, I bet it'd be kind of cool.

Evidence: 5
It's among the most photographed freaks, giving it some credibility.


Bigfoot (aka Sasquatch)
Probably the coolest freak out there! Bigfoot is spotted from coast to coast in the USA. Maybe he's a missing link between man and monkey. Or maybe he's a lost wookie. Whatever he is, he could probably fuck your shit up. I've seen tons of pictures and movies of him. And these nerds who chase him around can't be doing it for the chicks. He's so badass he even lent his name to the original monster truck.

Deadliness: 9
Only a man in the way of Kirstie Alley's dinner would be in greater danger.

Freakishness: 6
It's basically just a bear that stands up.

Evidence: 8
All those Zabruter-quality films can't be wrong!


El Chupacabra
It's Mexican for "scary blood sucker". They first spotted this thing in Puerto Rico sucking blood from goats in 1994. Now he's striking fear in border jumpers everywhere. He kind of looks like a snakehead fish with a thicker skin. Oh, and he has spikes on his back. Not bad.

Deadliness: 6
There are plenty of goats to go around. I'm not really concerned that it'll make it up here.

Freakishness: 9
This thing is a total freak. If I saw it, I'd run in the opposite direction.

Evidence: 4
It looks pretty real for a wax sculpture. But since it's relatively new, there isn't much evidence.


Unicorns
Unicorns look like a horse that someone stabbed in the forehead with a spike. If only they were really that cool. For all I know, they're ferocious beasts, but all I have to go on is what popular culture tells me: basically that Unicorns are cuddly horses that little girls want to cover in glitter and rainbows. Even if they wanted to cause chaos, they'd probably fuck up and make everybody hold hands and sing "Koom By Yah". And it's sad, because they have decent potential: they could really gore you with that horn.

Deadliness: 2
Anything that fat girls get airbrushed on their T-shirts can't be that deadly.

Freakishness: 2
It's just a horse with a dildo on its head.

Evidence: 1
I have yet to even see a picture.

And the winner is....
By an overwhelming margin, with 23 points, Bigfoot is the winner! Congrats to Sasquatch on becoming the mascot of MOC.

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