FATE (the band) SUCKS!

by Professor Chaos

Recently it's come to my attention that we have some detractors to this site. Some folks just can't handle chaos, for whatever reasons. They enjoy coming to our guestbook and trashing us, and we enjoy it as well. But in the interest of equal time, I present the following rebuttal, based solely on what they've written on their shitty freebie sites.

Let's start with this dude Noah Newport, aka the "Guitar Ninja". What a bad ass moniker! Let me guess, you went to some funny ninja website, and the rest was history??? What an original nickname. I went to Google and image searched for Noah Newport. The picture to the right is what it found. Which one of the kiddies is you, Noah? Or are you Goofy, trying to decide which child to give the bad touch to? You seem to be favoring the boy on the right.

Let's see what ol' Noah had to say about the site, shall we? It's printed in lavendar, which I'm guessing is Noah's favorite color:

"We love chaos unless it happens to us or our friends.' Are you really that ignorant, to call yourselves "masters of chaos?" The statements you make come from a very deranged point of view and shows that you have very little, if any, morals. You make fun of those in positions where they are unable to even support themselves let alone their families. I was shocked to see how you showed absolutely no compassion for the hurricane victims. Don't you realize the complete desolation they're going through? Their homes were totally demolished and all you care about is the "chaos." This site is an ignominy against humankind.

Awesome! Thanks for providing us with our new tagline. I've already trademarked it, so don't bother trying to steal it back for your shitty band Fate, which is an ignominy against ears. Noah "Guitar Ninja" Newport seems to be having some problems getting his band, "Fate" up and running in the marvelous metropolis known only as Oak Ridge. You can read all about his trials and tribulations here. And you can email Noah yourself at guitarninja_89@yahoo.com. I'm sure he'd welcome all inquiries into his shitty band.

To save you some time, here are the choicest tidbits from his cookie cutter site.


I hope your mommy was able to make those copies at work! But I bet she forgot. Sucking a crack pipe is a full time job, after all. When she came home with no fliers, did you cry like a little bitch? That's probably why your father left all those years ago and never came back.

Hey, it's Noah. We may have some trouble producing music for a while. I've been grounded for a year, which means no having anyone over or going anywhere. Hopefully this severe punishment will be lifted before too long, and we can get back to what we do best: ROCK!

No, SUCK is what your shitty band does best. Are you still grounded, Noah? I sure hope not. The basement can get so lonely. Once your voice cracks, I'm sure mommy will let you leave the house again, and then Fate can get back to RAWKING!!!!!

I also found this in his guestbook:

go to the site above ^ and write a bunch of shit about how gay his site is.

You know this brings me to a point I'd like to make. I see a lot of stuff on their board about "gay" this and "fag" that. It's almost as if they're obsessed with homosexuality! You know, they say most men don't come out of the closet until they're 18 or so. Could it be that our friend the guitarninja is finally coming to terms with his latent gayness?? Another point that supports this theory is their incessant support of Surge soda. Is it possible it reminds him of the surge he experiences when his drummer Ryan Rawl shoots a load into his bum??

So OK, we've established that Noah Newport sucks ass. What about the other famous nut-jockers of MOC. Let's start with the man mysteriously named "cool j". You can email cool j at halogamer11@yahoo.com. This moron is also from Oak Ridge, which appears to be a some sort of black hole of idiocy. Coincidence? I think not. My guess is that he's Fate's bass player extraordinaire, Josh Fry. Again, the results of a Josh Fry image search are to the right. Reach for the stars, Josh! We all start out with shitty jobs.

Whoever he is, he's a full blown moron for trying to scam Mr. Cockley into emailing him. Here's the difference between us and you, Josh: We don't throw our email addresses all over the web. Nice try. Go play some Halo or something.

I purposefully buried this last part at the bottom, because I know that's where Noah likes it: buried in the bottom. It seems that the name Fate is already taken for a band, so unfortunately our favorite losers have struck out once again. If you'd like to see the REAL band FATE, go here. Don't waste your time with the imitators.

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