Enough with trying to quantify chaos, already.

by Professor Chaos

Lately my site's been taking a lot of shots at crappy bands and teenagers who can barely keep from manipulating themselves twice a day, much less sustain and exchange in a verbal attack with yours truly. I have to agree that I've been more than a bit unfair. It's a little like Steven Hawking making fun of a Muppet. It's just not fair, nor does it make any sense. Especially when there are plenty of genuine news-worthy chaotic events unfolding daily, such as elephants using toilets.

Somebody named Hayabusa apparently agreed, when he posted this on the MOC Guestbook:

"This site could use some work. I mean all you guys are doing as of late is making fun of teenage bands. I checked out the FATE site and it looks like they're just a bunch of kids. Give them a break."

He's right, I know. I've gotta get back to my roots. The shitty bands aren't going anywhere. It's just that since this site's launch in July, chaos is suddenly cool and stylish. And I am essentially the Walt Disney of death and destruction. I've turned my back on it long enough, so let's plunge back into the latest advancements in chaos, shall we?

What could be more newsworthy than the fact that a bunch of scientists and other so-called "scholars" are trying to pigeon-hole chaos into quantified, mathematical formulas? These damn nerds are really getting on my nerves. I believe Lou of the Chaos Junkies put it best when he posted to the Chaos Board:

"Chaos is existence. Everything that happens is perfect chaos, and that's the kind of music we play. Of course, you didn't listen to the music (try right clicking on the MP3 file and selecting "save target as") you just criticize. And you didn't even see the humor in the pictures! They're self-consciously absurd. So enjoy your useless little webstite, or maybe try getting off your stupid computer and going outside. I'm sure your legions of admiring minions will find a way to survive without your wisdom. Oh, and if you can't understand my writing--Professor-- maybe you should pick up a book and learn to read. Peace out, wanker."

OK, so he veered off a bit, but his original point, I think, was that you can't define or quantify chaos. And I also agree that his music is perfect chaos. I can't tell what the hell's going on. But I digress, and for that I apologize to you, my legions of admiring minions (I love the thought of having my own minions).

So first off, we have this article which claims to know the top 10 international cities of chaos. We all know I beat them to the punch w/ my personal Top 10 Quality of Chaos Cities, but that's neither here nor there. San Fran came in nice and high in both lists (I was there recently and was admittedly nervous crossing the Bay Bridge. I can dish out the chaos but cannot take much myself, apparently). Then they have a couple random places like Quezon, which sounds more like a tasty burrito topping than a dangerous city. But here's the real pisser: Instead of going with their gut, they created the "Natural Hazard Risk Index" to asses the chaos possibilities.

Then today I found this article, which claims that January 24th is the most depressing day of the year. OK, seems reasonable enough. I might buy that. How did we arrive at January 24th, you ask? Some dude in England, probably depressed at the lack of good eating options in whatever shire he lives in, created the following formula for depression:

[W + (D-d)] x TQ
M x NA

These are the variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.

At this point I'd normally go ahead and estimate my personal level of depression based on the formula, except for one problem: How exactly does one arrive at M, ie one's low motivational level? The first line is easy. The second line is where it all falls apart.

Look, I've babbled on long enough. Please, all you smart people out there, leave chaos to us experts and leave your slide rules at home.

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