A Eulogy for the Shittiest Band on Earth

by Professor Chaos

Hi folks. Sorry it's been so long since an update, I'm sure it's been insufferable. Just like a bear, I've been in chaotic hibernation. What could rouse me from my slumber, you ask? The other day, the Chaos Board received the following post:

Dear Professor chaos.

I recently became aware of your link to my band's website--that is, CHAOS JUNKIES.com. I was initially shocked, but thoroughly flattered to be the object of your criticisms. However, I had to chuckle at the methods you use to spread chaos. Message boards online can sure be informative, but honestly, who cares about your opinion? I'm not hurt by your words, merely amused. This may sound "geeky", but after all I am returning your hate mail via online message board. The nature of the medium is "geeky". If I were a very sarcastic person, I would tell you how much chaos is really to be had on the internet. But in reality, the hypocrisy of your opinion gives me great pleasure. How chaotic are you? I challenge you to show us how chaotic you really are--professor. I'm secure with my identity as a chaos junkie, but for some reason I doubt that you stand on any kind of high ground from which to accuse. Please show us what you're made of. I dare you.


Some people will do anything to promote their terrible music. What is it about my site that attracts shitty bands? Man, do I hope you're able to write better songs than you write message board posts. To be honest I had a tough time understanding your rantings, other than the fact that you've asked me to make more fun of your pathetic band. I'm all too happy to oblige.

First of all, can you translate your post? What exactly am I being hypocritical about? I make fun of everything on this site. We love chaos. We promote it. Where is the hypocrisy? Tell me Lou, did you enjoy the Tsunami? No? Fucking chaos hypocrite.

What is a Chaos Junkie anyway, Lou? Do you fiend for chaos? Are you strung out on chaos? Are your forearms pockmarked with tracks from botched attempts to find the vein and shoot up a nice stream of chaos? I'm just askin is all.

Here we see the Chaos Junkies in all their chaotic glory! It's like the chaos is jumping off the screen! Hold me mommy.

Meet Jimmy, the tough but sensitive guitar god of the Chaos Junkies. I'm guessing he's the one who gets all the chicks, even with that "What do I smell?" expression. Am I right Lou? How's the action for you, all the way back there behind those drums? I'm sure you're not doing too bad yourself...

Umm....nevermind. Sorry about that Lou. We can't all win the genetic lottery. Why are you covering up your neck? Did vocalist Joe give you a hickey? Since you say you're not a sarcastic person, I'm going to assume that you really mean to look like such a douchebag in this shot.

All joking aside, it's pretty impressive you were able to get Frodo Baggins to play bass in your shitty band.

One more push and it's out!

Oh my god! The drummer is SO cool! He can twirl a stick in one hand, and point at me with the other stick! No sticks left to play the drums, but who cares? Image is everything.

I can almost hear your shitty "Jeremy" cover from here.

I know what you're wondering. Enough with the image. What about the ROCK? Fear not, the Chaos Junkies have a nice array of MP3s available. Admittedly, I was only able to get through the first 10 seconds of the first one.

So Lou, as I close here, I have to ask. What's your REAL plan for life? Please please please tell me you have a backup plan. Like, you're pretty handy with the stick twirling, have you tried a baton?

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