If I were the fat Harry Knowles – in my opinion the worst reviewer of movies in the history of movie reviewers (to see what I mean, check out aintitcool.com) – I would spend the next three to four paragraphs droning on about the hours leading up to my viewing of the Bourne Supremacy, regaling my readers with the fact that I had an enjoyable dinner at the Silver Diner, and how this dinner somehow influenced my opinion of the movie; or perhaps I would describe the fact that the movie theater was cold so one of the friends I was with was very whiny because she forgot to bring a jacket; and then, should my reader have gotten this far, he/she would be wowed by all my name dropping, how I happen to know the director and/or Matt Damon and/or some movie producer, and how, because of my very intimate friendship with these people, the movie was awesome, despite the fact that it sucked.
But I am not fat, and I am not Harry Knowles. So here’s my review:
Okay, so I liked the first Bourne movie, The Bourne Identity, quite a bit. Sure it wasn’t The Day After Tomorrow – whole continents weren’t buried in snow, all of America wasn’t sent running for their lives across the Mexican Border; in fact, there wasn’t all that much chaos to speak of – but in the end I appreciated the idea that this guy has amnesia and gradually discovers he’s this cold blooded killer, while at the same time fucking some hot German girl. And some of the fight scenes are great, particularly the one where he slices and dices a hit-man sent to kill him with a pen, and another where he uses a fat guy as an express elevator while killing a bunch of his pursuers.
So I went into The Bourne Supremacy expecting more of the same. And it starts out great – Bourne is living in Goa, India with the hot German Girl he had been fucking in the first movie and is still paranoid that the CIA is out to get him, but more or less happy and in love until about 10 minutes into the movie. (IF YOU HATE SPOILERS, STOP READING FOR A MINUTE) At this point, some shady Russian dude kills the German girl in a failed attempt for Bourne. You can see the despair in Bourne’s eyes, and given the fact that he kicked ass in the first movie, I fully expected the next hour and a half to be about Bourne getting his revenge by finding, torturing and killing those responsible for his bitch’s death. I mean that’s what any self-respecting man would do, right? That’s what Denzel did in Man on Fire, and not only did Denzel torture and kill, he did it with flair, uttering witty one liners with every death.
But no, not Jason Bourne. He’s a changed man; he’s not a killer anymore. I guess somehow living in an exotic location with a European chick made him a pussy. Realistically, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, given that a) he was in love with a European, and all Europeans are pussies and deplore death and war (they hate the death penalty, for Christ’s sake! What happened to the continent that started WWII?), so she probably brain washed him and b) it seems that in most movies when some ex-killer lives in an exotic place for a while he becomes a Buddhist and/or turns into a pussy. So when Bourne first has a chance for revenge, he’s like, “No, Marie, wouldn’t want this!” and let’s the guy live. Frankly, it’s revolting.
This is not to say, however, there is no death or violence in the movie. A couple of people are killed in self defense. But it’s not the same. And to make matters worse, the director must have come from MTV, because all the fight and chase scenes are super choppy and overly edited, so it’s almost impossible to follow what’s going on. In a way, I would have almost have watched a ridiculous Jackie Chan movie, at least in terms of the fighting. The story is mildly confusing, with emphasis on the mildly, so if you’re an idiot you may have trouble following it. The acting ranges from shitty to good. Matt Damon as Jason Bourne does a spectacular job, despite the character being a pussy, while Julia Stiles is awful and yet again makes me wonder what moron decided she was going to be a star. I mean, she’s not even hot, possessing a Britney Spears-like battering-ram neck, log legs, and a voice that suggests she’s got a stick up her ass.
To conclude, if you’re looking for random violence, characters with no redeeming qualities, and some good eye candy, then this Bourne movie is definitely NOT supreme.
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