I'm Bored With Chaos

by Professor Chaos

I'm about to make a very controversial statement. It's going to shock you. It's going to sadden you. But then, hopefully, you'll see things my way.

You see folks, I'm bored with chaos. I know, it's sad. But true. Think about it: I haven't even updated the site in weeks. There was a point when I was being inspired almost daily to write things about chaos. Countless Top Tens (OK, three of them), tributes to riots and unknown beasts (like the hyote to the right), etc. But how long can one man live on chaos alone when there is so little to go around? Especially when what little chaos actually exists is usually debunked?

Look, don't get me wrong. The last couple months have been great. Hurricanes have been very good to this site lately, popping up every couple weeks to pound those poor Floridians. But come on. Hurricanes are SO August. They've boring now! Apparently the US press agrees: Even though Jeanne had stronger winds and more flooding than Ivan, it received a fraction of the coverage from the media. Why? Simply put, we Americans are bored with Hurricanes. So much hype, so little payoff. Wow, some mud in Haiti, big whoop. The way the media had portrayed it, you'd have thought Satan himself was arriving in Florida on a chariot of wind. Then what happens? Some old people die and Bush says a prayer for them. We Americans are fed up with these chaos teases.

So now we've got some stories claiming that Mt. Saint Helens might erupt "any day". They put the likelihood at "70%". You'll forgive me if I'm a little skeptical. I mean, let's face it. News, especially on TV, as we know it today is nothing but a big chaos tease. Global Warming. Volcanic Eruptions. Asteroids coming dangerously close to earth. We all know nothing's going to happen. Feature films (such as the fantastic "The Day After Tomorrow") pull us deeper into this fantasy. Why must they toy with us so? I guess the answer is ratings and revenue. And I feel like the biggest phony of all. All this time I've been excited at the prospect of calamitous chaos, and yet I've just been regurgitating the same bullshit I claim to hate. You could certainly make the argument that this very site is a chaos tease!

So no, I'm sorry to report, we'll never be lucky enough to see an asteroid strike the earth, kick up dust and suffocate us all. And no, hurricanes probably won't kill anyone of note. Maybe chaos is like a watched pot that won't boil until you look the other way. So I'd like to announce a widening of the scope here at MOC. We're going to keep the URL, because it's simply too cool to get rid of. But we're going to allow ourselves to write a bit outside of the scope of pure chaos as well. But fear not, if something actually happens, we'll cover it with all the tenacity of a reporter from The Wall Street Journal covering a Kerry flip-flop.

UPDATE: Just received word that Mt. Saint Helens is erupting as I write this! Looks like my "watched pot theory" is dead-on! Woohoo! Sadly it's not like the first eruption, but it beats nothing I guess.

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