As our steady readership is aware, Masters of Chaos recently did a piece delving into the mythical freaks of nature that man invents to keep himself from becoming bored with his surroundings. Using scientific methods, we evaluated each freak on three criteria and Bigfoot came out on top. Thus, Sasafrass was named the official mascot of MOC. Now, the truth of Bigfoot can be told. Read on...
I came across an article about this place called the “Bigfoot Discovery Musuem”. The name is pretty self explanatory. Turned out it was about 1½ hours from Oakland, in this place called Fenton, CA. As I drove, the liquor stores became less & less, and the guns stores more and more. Now entering dark & dreary Bigfoot territory….
As soon as I rolled into Fenton, I knew I was in the right place. As I wasn’t the only one looking for “The Foot” . Someone had alerted Scooby Doo & the gang about the “Mystery Beast of the Fenton Forest”.
Looks like one of those trailer homes you can pick up and put on the back of a truck. Brilliant!!! "What, there is Bigfoot revolt happening in Whistler, Vancouver? I’ll be right there…and I’m bringing my museum."
This museum also serves as the home office for the Bigfoot Big Brother Foundation. It's hard being a single mother raising 2 Sasquatch cubblings without a strong male influence around. Now there is help.
And now for the junk…
This place was filled wall to wall with every kids book, comic book, Nancy Drew book, boardgame, Postcard, Action figure, etc. that had anything to do with Bigfoot. Impressive but obsessive. This game is like “Mouse Trap”. Remember that game? It took like an hour to set all the pieces up so it actually worked right, by that time no body cared any more...plus if you broke one of those cheapy plastic pieces you were fucked forever. But your guy got to do a backflip into a tub… eh? eh?!!
The wall of weekly world news was both informative and educational “I WAS A BIGFOOT LOVE SLAVE”… you wish, you lonely poor bastard. Imagine the subtle eroticism of shag carpeting mixed w/ the intensity of ferocious bear fucking.
Bigfoot beer, right up there w/ Jay-Z vodka & Sammy Hager tequiela. Marketing genius, that yeti is…. Those forest beasts love to get krunked like the rest of us. Only their drunken affairs don’t usually end up w/ them defacating in their parents bathtub.
THAT’S A BIG FUCKING BURRITO!!!!!!!!
The coolest thing was they had a map that showed all the Bigfoot sightings along the Pacific coast over the past 100 years or so. Turns out there was a sighting in Oakland in 1967. Now I’ve seen some fucked up people in Oakland late at night that could easily be mistaken for a Sasquatch, but never an 8ft. fur covered evolutionary miracle. One must have left the woods to join the Black Panther or even cooler, become a card carrying member of the original Hell’s Angels and beat up hippies. Ahhhh…What a visualization...sweet.
And who can forget everyone’s favorite movie staring “Ernie” the kid from “ALF”, “Harry & the Hendersons”. Wasn’t that the “Hellboy” guy underneath all that shit? The Beast? Thus jump starting Ron Perlman’s long career in type casting himself as the loveable yet dangerous-when-provoked guy who wears a monkey suit.
Now for the man himself, Michael Rugg. I was sooo ready to just rip this guy apart. But after being around him for like 5 minutes I realized this is the coolest mother fucker on the planet,.. fuck all of you that oppose. This guy has devoted his ENTIRE life to this shit. You try doing that and holding your head up high. This guy was a fucking genius. Jersey Devil? …”Come on, been there…done that” …. Loch Ness? …“I got the uncut 1969 footage shot by Harry Kilson in the back”…Mokele Mbembe? ...“nigga please.” Everything…
The wall behind him was filled w/ every video, text book, research manual, old horror film, etc.. that had anything to do w/ UFO’s, Bigfoots, Giant Jellyfish, Skunk Apes, Leparchauns, werewolves…. WEREWOLVES DUDE. I love werewolves.
He told me about this time these 2 drunk ass kids came and kicked his ass,… calling him a tool for wasting his time and money. Instead of taking that shit in stride, being like “punkass kids..”, this guy was convinced that they weren’t who they said they were. They were, dare I say Men-in-Black, because as they were kicking his ass… it was if they were trying to convince him to stop carrying on his yeti research. I guess “Fuck you fatty, Bigfoot isn’t real. Get a life” can be interpreted in many ways. But after hearing it from him, I had his back.
He also told me about a box of shit that arrived in the mail for him the other day. It was in a big package sent “officially” from the Zoology studies dept. of the University of Chicago, but the “Bigfoot” shit was sent in Chinese food takeout boxes, so I don’t know what that means. I was offered to go in the back and look but… the situation seemed really creepy at the time.
I ended up talking to this guy for over 2 hours. He showed me a slew of Bigfoot footage from over the years as well as let me listen to actual recording of Sasquatch calls and screams. It kinda sounded like a really fat drunk guy crying at a party, but that’s okay… cool none the less.
This guy was all about keeping the mythos of Bigfoot alive and giving the finger to all the neighsayers and would get a crazy look in his eye when people faking pictures was mentioned. Yet, he sold fake Bigfoot plaster casts.and had 3 gorilla suits in the back….hmmmm. Anyways, he sold me this cool patch that says “BIGFOOT COUNTRY” and has a picture of a Bigfoot. Look out ladies…
This is MossMan!!!! Arch nemesis of He-man. He wasn’t there but he reminds me of a Bigfoot. He feels all fuzzy and for some reason when I stuck him underwater when I was little he got all sticky and started to smell funny. He was soooo awesome. Have you ever tried to lick the Zartan figure from G.I.Joe... ahh that shit is sick. Like battery acid…
A trip well worth it. The place was small but kicked ass. The owner was odd and lonely and looked like he had sang a “Sea Shanty” or 2 in his past, but was the most real and interesting person I had met in a decade. Even though I’ll probably never be allowed back in if he reads this, and may be accused of being a vampire or something,... I say, Props for keeping hope alive…